Stayed home from school today because I woke up in intense pain and couldn't hear out of the left side of my head. I've got another ear infection, yippee. They're gonna be so pissed at work but there's no way I can go in today...(sighs)
Yesterday was atrocious between me crying off and on all day and having crazy mood swings and then getting online and realizing I'm the most ridiculous person on earth. The world has enough problems and no one wants to listen to mine. That and I've sort of given up with online emotional support. People always ask me whats wrong when I'm all depressed but when I tell them they either don't respond and I never really hear from them after that or they're just like 'oh I'm so sorry'. And that just depresses me even more.
I mean, I know I don't have the worst family life out there and believe me, I don't want that. I'm not trying to get into a 'whose life is worse' competition with anyone because... I mean, imagine winning at something like that? It's just... So pathetic...
I guess I just wanted to know that maybe the way my family behaves is normal. That this is what all family's go through at some point. But from what I can tell when I reach out to anyone online, we're pretty fucked up. I just... I feel like I try and help everyone I know all the time, like I always try to be there for my friends and my family.
For godsake I was extremely pissed at my sister the other day... She was bawling in her room because she got her phone taken away and was afraid my parents would find out about all the drugs and sex she's been having lately, and I went down stairs to comfort her. She was in the fucking wrong and I still held her hand and told her to calm down or she'd go into an asthma attack, which she did and I helped her with that too.
This kid has been calling me a bitch every time I piss her off slightly, only wants me around when I can drive her somewhere or buy something, and has completely fucked over my senior year. But as her big sister I still try to be there for her. She told me the other day she hated me and wanted me to move out already.
And then there's the whole issue with my dad who has barely even been there for me at all this year. He refuses to come see me during visitation days or when I get off work because he doesn't want to spend the gas to come see me. But he'll drive all the way across town every week to pick up my sister.
He's been promising me all year we were going to go to House on the Rock up in Wisconsin. It's my favorite place in the world, it's like my Disneyland or something... He told me a week or so ago that we're not going. We can't fit it in alongside the canoeing and kayaking stuff he wants to do and the Chicago trip. I was never told we were going to any of those places but apparently it's because he wanted to do something different. So that meant cutting out what he's promised for the past six or eight months.
I'm not even angry. I was never angry. Because you know what? He's done this to me all my life. When I was a kid I used to do everything from horse back riding to ice skating and none of those things ever lasted more than a few weeks because he didn't have the money. As a kid, I was never upset with him about those things either. I was happy enough to get to do them at all.
My freshman year of high school I told my dad I wanted to go to art school and he told me he'd do whatever it takes to get me there. My moms working her ass off at a minimum wage job as a secretary to a law firm that treats her like shit just so she can help me out with my housing fees. My dad has yet to even ask about my tuition fees. And I'm going to the college that's 15 minutes away from my house.
He's told me I didn't have to get a job because he'd pay for anything I wanted. Lies. He told me he'd pay for my gas once I got a car. Lies. And then there' s the college thing that he still claiming he's going to do something about...
Just and all the while I've just smiled and said 'it's ok. He's got the best intentions so its ok'. But's not. It's fucking disappointing and it's built up over time. That and how he never even once said he was sorry. About any of those things. He just justifies why its ok that he did them and I'm left feeling like I'm in the wrong. Like how dare I be upset with him for not keeping his promises. How dare I think badly of his crazy wife who used to get drunk and shout at me and my little sister or told me that my father was her husband before he was my father and his house was her house and I had no right to live there or see him if I didn't follow their values when I told my mom how uncomfortable it made me that she was trying to push Christianity down my throat.
...I'm just really fed up with my family. I'm done with work. I'm done with school. I'm done with everyone acting like I have no right to feel because they have enough problems. I'm sorry everyone seems to be going through a tough time and I want to help but it seems when I'm done helping, they don't even want to hear if I have something going on.
I feel used, hurt, tired, angry, disappointed, sad, and over all unloved. Its like I'm the scum of the earth for being me. And I wish it would stop. I don't see that happening though...
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Abnormalities stuff
I added four new characters to the Abnormalities that will be appaearing in there at some point. Yeah, I made it a project. It pretty much took a life of its own and now its smacking every other project I want to work on, like Cirque du Minuit and Fly Girl, outta my hands. Nothing I can do, I draw whatever I feel like after all XD
I will describe them in order of appearance and by their stage names : 3
First up,
The Tiger Girl.
Or Landi. Landi is a five year old child who hails from the deep jungles of Africa. She was either abandoned by her parents, or they were killed in the ruthless terrain, but either way she was left alone as a babe. Connie, who was ten at the time, was a performing tiger for Rigby Circus. Harvel, the sleazy ring master, had her only cub sold off and killed for a pretty penny and so Connie was extremely depressed for a time. When the circus went traveling in Africa to find more members, Connie escapes her cage and wanders through the jungles and eventually finds baby Landi, alone and dying. Connie takes Landi home with her to the circus and begins rearing her as her own. Several attempts to remove the child from Connie's care became futile (the tiger trainer lost his hand) and she was allowed to keep her newest little cub. Landi spends her five years of life raised as a tiger by her adoptive mother and eventually is put in the circus as a 'Tiger Girl'.
When the Abnormalities trio find Landi and Connie, Connie is an old tiger who has lost her teeth from malnutrition and abuse and Landi is treated like an animal. Peeps makes it his mission to save the two from Harvel Rigby's circus and make them well treated members of the Freak Show.
Swimmy.
Swimmy isn't a part of the show, he's the running support. Swimmy sets up the stage and manages their very little finances. Swimmy...is a veery strange character. He has an obsession with things that are 'interesting'. And 'interesting' mostly means outside the norm. He just loves to observe the way of those who are not accepted in society and has a very strange love for them. The group themselves don't really know if he's truly a friend or someone they should be watching out for. Swimmy compares everything to his really creepy collection of pet leeches. He feels an affinity for them since he has an iron deficiency and has to orally take in blood. Swimmy's not all there...
And last but not least, Fire Bug.
Fire Bug's real name is Katydid but everyone calls her Bug. Bug grew up an orphan in South Africa but was adopted by a well off family with time on their hands when she was 12. As a kid, she would do tribal dancing with a mask she fashioned, on the street for money...
Never feeling like she belonged in the states with her rich family, At 17 years old she meets the Abnormalities and wants to run away to join their freak show. Her act consists of the old dance she used to do as a child only to its true potential. Its a wicked fire dance called 'Sun Waving' consisting of a hula hoop and two staffs.
Her act is powerful and involves drums to keep her in rythm, the only draw back is her mask. Once the mask is on, 'Katydid' takes a back seat. She's goes into a state of being one with something mystic that neither she nor anyone else quite understands. But it's dangerous. Fire Bug has to have a five meter circle drawn around her as a warning to others. If anyone steps into the circle, the dance has been violated and she will attempted to take down who ever has done so. She nearly decapitates Landi when the child is attracted to her fire and runs out without thinking. Because of the dangers her dance posses, Gams doesn't want her to be a part of the group but is over ruled by Chomps who has taken to her and her act.
So thats the new comers. Working on their designs, except Swimmy who is a recycled character : D
I'm so tired.
I will describe them in order of appearance and by their stage names : 3
First up,
The Tiger Girl.
Or Landi. Landi is a five year old child who hails from the deep jungles of Africa. She was either abandoned by her parents, or they were killed in the ruthless terrain, but either way she was left alone as a babe. Connie, who was ten at the time, was a performing tiger for Rigby Circus. Harvel, the sleazy ring master, had her only cub sold off and killed for a pretty penny and so Connie was extremely depressed for a time. When the circus went traveling in Africa to find more members, Connie escapes her cage and wanders through the jungles and eventually finds baby Landi, alone and dying. Connie takes Landi home with her to the circus and begins rearing her as her own. Several attempts to remove the child from Connie's care became futile (the tiger trainer lost his hand) and she was allowed to keep her newest little cub. Landi spends her five years of life raised as a tiger by her adoptive mother and eventually is put in the circus as a 'Tiger Girl'.
When the Abnormalities trio find Landi and Connie, Connie is an old tiger who has lost her teeth from malnutrition and abuse and Landi is treated like an animal. Peeps makes it his mission to save the two from Harvel Rigby's circus and make them well treated members of the Freak Show.
Swimmy.
Swimmy isn't a part of the show, he's the running support. Swimmy sets up the stage and manages their very little finances. Swimmy...is a veery strange character. He has an obsession with things that are 'interesting'. And 'interesting' mostly means outside the norm. He just loves to observe the way of those who are not accepted in society and has a very strange love for them. The group themselves don't really know if he's truly a friend or someone they should be watching out for. Swimmy compares everything to his really creepy collection of pet leeches. He feels an affinity for them since he has an iron deficiency and has to orally take in blood. Swimmy's not all there...
And last but not least, Fire Bug.
Fire Bug's real name is Katydid but everyone calls her Bug. Bug grew up an orphan in South Africa but was adopted by a well off family with time on their hands when she was 12. As a kid, she would do tribal dancing with a mask she fashioned, on the street for money...
Never feeling like she belonged in the states with her rich family, At 17 years old she meets the Abnormalities and wants to run away to join their freak show. Her act consists of the old dance she used to do as a child only to its true potential. Its a wicked fire dance called 'Sun Waving' consisting of a hula hoop and two staffs.
Her act is powerful and involves drums to keep her in rythm, the only draw back is her mask. Once the mask is on, 'Katydid' takes a back seat. She's goes into a state of being one with something mystic that neither she nor anyone else quite understands. But it's dangerous. Fire Bug has to have a five meter circle drawn around her as a warning to others. If anyone steps into the circle, the dance has been violated and she will attempted to take down who ever has done so. She nearly decapitates Landi when the child is attracted to her fire and runs out without thinking. Because of the dangers her dance posses, Gams doesn't want her to be a part of the group but is over ruled by Chomps who has taken to her and her act.
So thats the new comers. Working on their designs, except Swimmy who is a recycled character : D
I'm so tired.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Deviantart's dead/I'm deead
My deviantart is soooo deeead. For awhile my account was like boomin'. No joke, I was getting more watchers and page views than I knew what to do with. But mostly because of fanart. . 3 .
You tend to forget no one really cares how you draw personally, they just enjoy seeing their fav characters. I had some people come to enjoy my art as a result though and that's all I can really ask for : )
Doesn't help soothe my bruised ego of course that now when I submit a deviation it gets like...one or two page views and no favs.
Of course everyone I talk to is like 'as long as you think it's good, it doesn't matter how well it does online'.
While that's true, but I personally just feel awesome if someone thinks something that I created is awesome too. I'm an art whore, I feel like if I put alot of work into something I should show it off X3
Keep getting in trouble for sleeping in class because I snore really loud... Unfortunatly there's nothing I really care to do about it. I get enough sleep at night, I honestly don't know whats wrong with me because I never have this problem at home. I'm so ready to graduate dammit.
You tend to forget no one really cares how you draw personally, they just enjoy seeing their fav characters. I had some people come to enjoy my art as a result though and that's all I can really ask for : )
Doesn't help soothe my bruised ego of course that now when I submit a deviation it gets like...one or two page views and no favs.
Of course everyone I talk to is like 'as long as you think it's good, it doesn't matter how well it does online'.
While that's true, but I personally just feel awesome if someone thinks something that I created is awesome too. I'm an art whore, I feel like if I put alot of work into something I should show it off X3
Keep getting in trouble for sleeping in class because I snore really loud... Unfortunatly there's nothing I really care to do about it. I get enough sleep at night, I honestly don't know whats wrong with me because I never have this problem at home. I'm so ready to graduate dammit.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
More of The Radium
Line art of The Radium and his Scarlet Battalion I did a few months ago. I colored it a loong time ago and then lost the whole file and haven't had the heart to touch it since. Figured I'd at least post it some where, I was pretty proud of it at the time.
The Radium
I used water color on this instead of markers and I was so completely proud of it. Of course then my ego tanked when I submitted it to Deviantart and it got like no response. Probably won't get any. This is what happens when I try.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Interesting Weekend
Had an interesting weekend...
So my mother pulled me aside last weekend and told me we suddenly had enough money to pay for housing for me once I go to college (as long as it was under around $400 a month) and I was like cool. But I had my doubts. Usually when these things are said to me they're followed up with a 'oh Cora we can't do that anymore'. So surely enough a few days later I was told just that. They don't actually have the money, something came up, I'm on my own again.
I don't really care about that either. I never asked them or anyone else to help me out with college. And if it just so happened they could, that's fantastic! But, to put it frankly, my familys pretty damn poor. We're not like dirt poor like we used to be where a trip to Mickey D's was like a five star restaurant big deal, but we're in a huge amount of debt. So I never expected anyone to be able to help me.
It's just that whole building up my hopes only to shoot them back down. Thats what I hate. And all my parents do it. My dad and his wife especially. They love to promise me shit only to go back on their word. They always have the best intentions, I know, but I'm so tired of it. Why can't everyone just admit we're shit broke and tell me I'm on my own already? Why do they have to insistently let their guilt towards me get in the way of our reality.
I don't ask for much, if anything, but they act like I'm making them pocket the stars and moon... I'm just tired of it.
I got to have a groggy late night conversation with an artist I really respect on saturday/sunday. Sometimes when your all wrapped up in how amazing the artist is, you tend to forget, in the end, they're just a person like yourself XD I only say that because she seriously acts just like how my best friend used to so it was like crazy deja vu all night long. She's a cool chick.
I've been sort of thinking about all sorts of things lately too. I think maybe the reason I don't really have alot of friends is because people expect me to be this certain type of person when they first meet me then as they get to know me, they realize I'm just an average dork and it disappoints them. And so they sort of drift away from me. I kind of hope that isn't true but the evidence is hard to look away from.
(sighs) Well I'm done spewing nonsense for the day...
So my mother pulled me aside last weekend and told me we suddenly had enough money to pay for housing for me once I go to college (as long as it was under around $400 a month) and I was like cool. But I had my doubts. Usually when these things are said to me they're followed up with a 'oh Cora we can't do that anymore'. So surely enough a few days later I was told just that. They don't actually have the money, something came up, I'm on my own again.
I don't really care about that either. I never asked them or anyone else to help me out with college. And if it just so happened they could, that's fantastic! But, to put it frankly, my familys pretty damn poor. We're not like dirt poor like we used to be where a trip to Mickey D's was like a five star restaurant big deal, but we're in a huge amount of debt. So I never expected anyone to be able to help me.
It's just that whole building up my hopes only to shoot them back down. Thats what I hate. And all my parents do it. My dad and his wife especially. They love to promise me shit only to go back on their word. They always have the best intentions, I know, but I'm so tired of it. Why can't everyone just admit we're shit broke and tell me I'm on my own already? Why do they have to insistently let their guilt towards me get in the way of our reality.
I don't ask for much, if anything, but they act like I'm making them pocket the stars and moon... I'm just tired of it.
I got to have a groggy late night conversation with an artist I really respect on saturday/sunday. Sometimes when your all wrapped up in how amazing the artist is, you tend to forget, in the end, they're just a person like yourself XD I only say that because she seriously acts just like how my best friend used to so it was like crazy deja vu all night long. She's a cool chick.
I've been sort of thinking about all sorts of things lately too. I think maybe the reason I don't really have alot of friends is because people expect me to be this certain type of person when they first meet me then as they get to know me, they realize I'm just an average dork and it disappoints them. And so they sort of drift away from me. I kind of hope that isn't true but the evidence is hard to look away from.
(sighs) Well I'm done spewing nonsense for the day...
Friday, April 26, 2013
D-Ville Family 2
I don't know whether I want to make my little D-Ville family into just a cute pic based off my personal character analysis' or make a mini comic off it or write a fan fiction. I don't know. I think all of thee of abooove~ <3
XD
I'll make a poll.
XD
I'll make a poll.
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