Stayed home from school today because I woke up in intense pain and couldn't hear out of the left side of my head. I've got another ear infection, yippee. They're gonna be so pissed at work but there's no way I can go in today...(sighs)
Yesterday was atrocious between me crying off and on all day and having crazy mood swings and then getting online and realizing I'm the most ridiculous person on earth. The world has enough problems and no one wants to listen to mine. That and I've sort of given up with online emotional support. People always ask me whats wrong when I'm all depressed but when I tell them they either don't respond and I never really hear from them after that or they're just like 'oh I'm so sorry'. And that just depresses me even more.
I mean, I know I don't have the worst family life out there and believe me, I don't want that. I'm not trying to get into a 'whose life is worse' competition with anyone because... I mean, imagine winning at something like that? It's just... So pathetic...
I guess I just wanted to know that maybe the way my family behaves is normal. That this is what all family's go through at some point. But from what I can tell when I reach out to anyone online, we're pretty fucked up. I just... I feel like I try and help everyone I know all the time, like I always try to be there for my friends and my family.
For godsake I was extremely pissed at my sister the other day... She was bawling in her room because she got her phone taken away and was afraid my parents would find out about all the drugs and sex she's been having lately, and I went down stairs to comfort her. She was in the fucking wrong and I still held her hand and told her to calm down or she'd go into an asthma attack, which she did and I helped her with that too.
This kid has been calling me a bitch every time I piss her off slightly, only wants me around when I can drive her somewhere or buy something, and has completely fucked over my senior year. But as her big sister I still try to be there for her. She told me the other day she hated me and wanted me to move out already.
And then there's the whole issue with my dad who has barely even been there for me at all this year. He refuses to come see me during visitation days or when I get off work because he doesn't want to spend the gas to come see me. But he'll drive all the way across town every week to pick up my sister.
He's been promising me all year we were going to go to House on the Rock up in Wisconsin. It's my favorite place in the world, it's like my Disneyland or something... He told me a week or so ago that we're not going. We can't fit it in alongside the canoeing and kayaking stuff he wants to do and the Chicago trip. I was never told we were going to any of those places but apparently it's because he wanted to do something different. So that meant cutting out what he's promised for the past six or eight months.
I'm not even angry. I was never angry. Because you know what? He's done this to me all my life. When I was a kid I used to do everything from horse back riding to ice skating and none of those things ever lasted more than a few weeks because he didn't have the money. As a kid, I was never upset with him about those things either. I was happy enough to get to do them at all.
My freshman year of high school I told my dad I wanted to go to art school and he told me he'd do whatever it takes to get me there. My moms working her ass off at a minimum wage job as a secretary to a law firm that treats her like shit just so she can help me out with my housing fees. My dad has yet to even ask about my tuition fees. And I'm going to the college that's 15 minutes away from my house.
He's told me I didn't have to get a job because he'd pay for anything I wanted. Lies. He told me he'd pay for my gas once I got a car. Lies. And then there' s the college thing that he still claiming he's going to do something about...
Just and all the while I've just smiled and said 'it's ok. He's got the best intentions so its ok'. But's not. It's fucking disappointing and it's built up over time. That and how he never even once said he was sorry. About any of those things. He just justifies why its ok that he did them and I'm left feeling like I'm in the wrong. Like how dare I be upset with him for not keeping his promises. How dare I think badly of his crazy wife who used to get drunk and shout at me and my little sister or told me that my father was her husband before he was my father and his house was her house and I had no right to live there or see him if I didn't follow their values when I told my mom how uncomfortable it made me that she was trying to push Christianity down my throat.
...I'm just really fed up with my family. I'm done with work. I'm done with school. I'm done with everyone acting like I have no right to feel because they have enough problems. I'm sorry everyone seems to be going through a tough time and I want to help but it seems when I'm done helping, they don't even want to hear if I have something going on.
I feel used, hurt, tired, angry, disappointed, sad, and over all unloved. Its like I'm the scum of the earth for being me. And I wish it would stop. I don't see that happening though...
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